Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Just why bro?!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My background check bounced.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.