My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah