When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold