I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
You Might Also Like
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
same energy
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!