Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.