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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*