The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”