Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
tinder is all about the long game