The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
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Genius idea!!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”