Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.