The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.