The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Maths meets science
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
You can’t rush stupid.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
You wish you had this many chins.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.