If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
can’t catch a break
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.