My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!