If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.