(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”