My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*