Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Hamburger Hinderer.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*weighs self after shaving
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]