CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
You Might Also Like
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My new favorite headline
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there