Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Cheer up.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in