My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.