when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
accurate
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?