6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
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*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.