Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
You Might Also Like
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.