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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I need to update my racial profile.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”