I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?