NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*