My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
This pepper has seen some shit
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.