dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
#catsoftwitter
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”