My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.