INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.