Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO