is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
You Might Also Like
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
They got Raph!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Anyone really
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?