Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.