Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
titanic