my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*