I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The real reason evolution started..😂
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*