I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
new career option?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.