[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription