A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
You Might Also Like
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT