all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
But I really needed water water water
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Happy thanksgiving