How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
necessity is the mother of invention
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.