My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!