It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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Every haunted house movie:
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
sistine chapel