[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.