For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti