Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Body by sandwich.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.