“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
You Might Also Like
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
what kind of cook setting is this??
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.