Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
uncle dave has been through hell
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*