You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”